The Night We Met
by CatsBalletHarveySpecter
Summary: Harvey sits in his office alone with his thoughts after a fight with Donna about her need to prioritize him over her romantic relationships, as Donna sits on the opposite side of her wall doing the same. What if something would have gone differently over the past 12 years? Would things be different? Or have the last twelve years just been leading them here?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1 - The Intro**

"I didn't ask you to choose me!" Harvey's voice echoed across the lobby

""Well you didn't exactly tell me not to!" she hollers back

He stands there, unsure of what to say next. They're on thin ice here and he knows one wrong move will ruin them for good.

"Oh common Harvey, it wasn't exactly a secret you didn't like Thomas, don't pretend like it's hard for you to watch him leave!"

"It's hard for me to see you upset!" he cries back, "And even worse you're blaming this on me!"

"Because it's your god damn fault!"

"How is YOUR decision, on me?"

"Because none of this would have ever happened if you would have just told me my seeing Thomas bothered you!"

"And where would that have gotten us?" he questions

"No where! Like it always does! You should have told me it bothered you and you should have told me why!" she yells

"It wouldn't have mattered! He's a great guy Donna and he made you happy! I couldn't see a damn thing wrong with the man, how could I ruin that for you?!"

"He wasn't perfect…"

"Oh really, what was wrong with the man?"

"HE WASN'T YOU!" she screams before turning on her heel and storming into her office.

* * *

She drops her head into her hands and sinks to the floor leaning against her desk, how did they get here? When did everything get so messy? The tears begin to fall, and she makes no effort to wipe them away as they roll down her cheeks as she sits weeping in her office. Would they still be in this position if one of them had been brave enough to take a risk over the years? Or were they destined for this never-ending loop of wanting more but not wanting to risk their friendship?

What would have become of their relationship if he could tell her how he loved her? Or if when she said she wanted more, she'd meant with him? Her mind also wanders to the biggest what if she calls into question, what if she never came with him to Pearson Hardman? Could they have had a shot at a real relationship? As much as she hates to imagine it, she can't help but think, what would have happened if the other time hadn't happened? She knows she's treading dangerous waters, that she should just march herself over to Harvey's office and tell him she's in love with him, and she intends to, once she gets herself together.

In the meantime, while she lets herself calm down, she lets her mind wander, drifting through all the 'what ifs' throughout the years. There are so many it's almost comical and she begins to wonder if perhaps all these missed moments were necessary to get them to where they are. That is, if where they are refers to her finding the courage to truly ask him to risk everything, with her.

Her gaze shifts to the wall that separates her office from his. She knew he'd likely gone back to his office and threw himself into whatever case he was working on, he was always one for distractions. The man was mere metres away from her, yet she couldn't find the strength to tear herself away from her spot on the floor and go talk to him. Instead, she finds her mind wandering back to that night they met in the bar, wondering what would have happened if things played out differently….

* * *

Meanwhile, Harvey sulked back to his office and poured himself a drink, sinking against the side of the couch until coming to rest on the floor. He loosens his ties and tosses it across the office in an act of frustration. How could she blame him for this? He'd done everything he was supposed to do this time around. He didn't tell her that her relationship with Thomas bothered him, in fact he was rather nice to the man when they ran into one another.

He was actually quite shocked to hear she had chosen him in the ultimatum Thomas gave her that was ultimately the downfall of their relationship. He was sure she felt nothing of the romantic nature towards him, after all she told him those exact words, that she "felt nothing" after she kissed him a year prior. Things between them seemed to have gone back to normal. She was happy and with Thomas, and he was, well he was bothered by her relationship, but valued their friendship too much to say anything.

As much as he wishes he could deny it, he knows now why her relationship bothered him so much. She had been the only constant in his life for as long as he could remember, and he couldn't live without her. His annoyance with her new relationship was not out of fear of losing her, as it once had been in the past, but rather was because of his feelings for her. It had taken him long enough, but he had finally realized he was in love with her.

He hated to see her angry, and he hated even more so that he was the cause of that anger. Their screaming match from early still resonates in his ears as he downs the amber liquid in his glass and closes his eyes, cradling his head in his hands. Her final comment echoes through his mind, over and over, haunting him. He isn't you. He isn't you. What did it all mean? Did she want more?

She once told him she wanted more. Back when he wasn't ready to face his feelings towards her. But she was referring to her career, wasn't she? What would have happened if she'd told him she wanted more with him? Would they have found a way to make it work? Or was fate playing games with them and this is where they were always supposed to end up, as nothing more than friends and colleagues? What if he would have been able to tell her how he loved her all those years ago? What if he never asked her to join him at the then Pearson Hardman? What if instead he told her he needed her, in a different way? Would he still be sitting on the floor of his office, staring at the wall she's hiding behind?

What if things played out differently in that bar on the night they met? Maybe things would be different between them, he thinks.

.

.

Then again, maybe everything they'd been through had just been leading them here… maybe they needed to get through all of the illusive I want more's and the I love you's that led to nothing. Maybe the whole point of the last decade was to lead them here, where the only thing keeping them apart is an office wall and pride. And maybe it was time he swallowed his and went after what he wanted. And he wanted everything.

* * *

 **Would things really be different if one of those moments had gone differently? Or maybe the point of all of this, the missed moments and opportunities was exactly what they needed to lead them here...**

 **Where is HERE exactly? Stick with us and find out ;)**

 **AN: The first chapter is a little bit shorter, but I wanted to introduce the idea behind the story properly before we get into all those what-ifs. I hope you're just as excited to read this story as I am to write it! My plan is to explore all of those what-ifs & just what makes Darvey, Darvey. **

**Just to help you get as excited as I am, I've named the first few chapters. Chapter 2 - The Night We Met, Chapter 3 - The Other Time**


	2. Chapter 2

**Ch 2 - The Night We Met**

She leans her head back against her desk and wipes at the tears smeared across her cheek, mind wandering back to that night in the bar…. The night they met.

.

.

 _She spots him strutting across the bar, black suit, blue stripped tie, hair slicked back. The trademark grin and celebratory stance told her he was the guy she was looking for. The man standing at the bar was Harvey Specter._

 _"Jay, can I get a Macallen 18?" she listens to him order a new drink, noticing he hasn't yet finished the one he's placed down on the bar._

 _She tosses a piece of her hair over her shoulder and takes a breath, this is her shot so she speaks up, making a flirty remark about how he should at least pretend to finish the drink someone bought him. He's far more handsome than she pictured, her eyes immediately drawing to his jaw line as he turns to greet her._

 _"I'm sorry, do we…?"_

 _"Know each other" she interrupts, she can't help it, its's part of who she is, she reads people exceptionally well_

 _"Not yet. But today's your lucky day" she adds, letting herself flirt with him. She wanted to work for the man, and if flirting a little would help her get there, so be it. It helped that he was annoyingly handsome, and she could tell just by the way he greeted her, he knew he was charming._

 _"And why's that?" he asks_

 _"Because it's the day you get to meet Donna" she grins. God, she was outdoing herself._

 _"And let me guess, you're Donna?"_

 _"Oh, you have no idea how Donna I am" she adds. And he really didn't. Not that either of them knew it, but it would take him the better part of their time together at the DA's office to figure out just how 'Donna' she was._

 _"Well Donna, I'm…"_

 _"Harvey Specter" she cuts him off._

* * *

Harvey pours himself a second drink and lays back on the couch in his office, letting his mind wander back to that night in the bar… the night they met.

.

.

 _God, who was this woman? He thinks to himself._

 _He had wandered over to the bar to get himself a real drink, unlike that bourbon his colleague had ordered for him to help him celebrate his first big win. That's when he spotted her. The women across the bar in the yellow and blue plaid dress, fit to her body perfectly. It was her hair that first caught his eye as he made his way towards the bar, a deep shade of red that demanded attention. She turns around and his breath catches in his throat, she was breathtakingly beautiful._

 _He orders a new drink from Jay, and turns back around, scanning the room for her. He was flying high after his first real victory and he decided he wanted to celebrate. He doesn't spot her at first, and then suddenly, she's standing in front of him, commenting on his inability to finish the drink that was bought for him_

 _She's far more confident than almost any other women he's ever met, and for a moment he wonders if maybe they've met before._

 _"Not yet. But today's your lucky day"_

 _Was she flirting with him?_

 _"And why's that?" he flirts back, intrigued and unable to keep his eyes from roaming from the low plunging neckline of her dress_

 _"Because it's the day you get to meet Donna"_

 _God, this woman was just about as self confident as he was_

 _"And let me guess, you're Donna?" he says, flashing her a grin he hopes comes across as charming_

 _"Oh, you have no idea how Donna I am"_

 _"Well Donna, I'm…"_

 _"Harvey Specter" she cuts him off._

 _How the hell?_

 _"Do you really think I would be talking to you if I didn't know who you are?" she adds_

 _His mind is processing a million miles a minute. How could this woman possibly know who he was? He'd just won his first case and had hardly made a name for himself as a lawyer, yet, here she was, knowing who he was. He was slightly disappointed she didn't approach him just to flirt with him, after all he knew woman found him attractive, it wouldn't have been a surprise._

 _"How exactly do you know about me?" he asks_

 _"I know about everybody. What I don't know is why this is the first case you ever took to trial?"_

 _"Because it was a white-collar crime…" he begins, continuing to explain why, but not sure why he's decided to explain his reasoning to someone he doesn't even know._

 _"Which makes it the kind of case…"_

 _"That puts your name in the paper" she finishes his sentence for him once again_

 _"You're not just another pretty face, are you?" he wonders out loud. He had never met someone so perceptive before. It's like this beautiful woman standing next to him in the bar had sought him out for some reason._

 _"I'm not. So maybe you should buy me a drink and we can continue this conversation in the corner"_

 _Damn it. She was flirting with him. He'd be lying to himself if he said he wasn't curious, so he calls over to Jay and orders Donna a drink. It must be his lucky night, a big win and drinks with a beautiful woman, what more could he ask for._

* * *

 _She watches as the confusion washes over his face, clearly trying to figure out how she knew who he was. Boys, they were just too predictable, she sighs._

 _"Do you really think I would be talking to you if I didn't know who you are?" she adds_

 _"How exactly do you know about me?" he asks_

 _"I know about everybody. What I don't know is why this is the first case you ever took to trial?" she gets straight to the point_

 _"Because it was a white-collar crime not some drug dealer on the corner, which makes it the kind of case…"_

 _"That puts your name in the paper" she finishes his sentence for him once again, she really can't help herself, it's just too much fun watching him get flustered when she does it._

 _"You're not just another pretty face, are you?"_

 _Oh god, now he was flirting with her. I guess you can't blame the guy, he is human after all, she thinks to herself. Might as well use the flirting to her advantage, she smiles._

 _"I'm not. So maybe you should buy me a drink and we can continue this conversation in the corner"_

 _He calls to the bar tender and she smiles to herself, that was way easier then she thought it would be. Harvey Specter, she thinks, you have no idea what you're in for._

* * *

 _He finds himself seated across from her at a tall table in the corner of the bar_

 _"Okay, enough about me, let's talk about you" he says, tone dripping with desire as she places her martini glass down on the table_

 _"Ou, my favourite subject" she banters_

 _"You know what I think, I think your favourite subject didn't come up to me just to find out why I went to trial" he adds_

 _"You want something" he tests the waters, trying to direct the conversation towards the one thing that's been on his mind since the moment he laid eyes on her_

 _"I sure do" she answers_

 _Alright, now they were getting somewhere, he thinks to himself. He was wondering how long she would tease him with the flirty remarks without leading on that she wanted this evening to go anywhere. The way she answered him with a bat of her eyelashes, leaning forward ever so slightly causing his gaze to drift once again to the low neckline of her dress gives him the final confidence boost he needs._

 _"I think I might be ready to give it to you" he flashes his trademark grin_

* * *

 _He asks her about herself and she can't help but grin at his surprisingly boyish charm. For someone who wanted to be a big shot lawyer, he had a lot to learn._

 _"Ou, my favourite subject" she jokes_

 _"You know what I think, I think your favourite subject didn't come up to me just to find out why I went to trial"_

 _Hm, she supposes he actually was more than just a pretty face, she did seek him out for a reason, a reason far more important than the flirting she kept finding herself getting swept up in._

 _"You want something" he adds, pupils dilating as she watches his eyes make there way to her chest before return back to meet her gaze. Then again, maybe he wasn't as quick as she thought, he gave in to her flirting far to easily._

 _"I sure do"_

 _"I think I might be ready to give it to you" he responds, almost causing her to giggle at the blunt directness of his statement. Well, at least she knew where his head was at, and she had to admit, she was drawn to how was charmingly handsome he was. If she wasn't here for a reason, she could see herself going home with Harvey Specter._

 _"It's not sex" she smirks, watching his face fall slightly as he tries to recover some of that top-notch confidence he displayed moments before._

 _"Never mind then" he mutters before sipping his drink, causing her to chuckle at his reaction. She had to hand it to him, at least he was honest, and she'd always found honest men to be incredibly attractive._

 _"Wow, you're going to be that honest about it" she voices her thoughts, at least the honesty part of her thoughts_

 _"Saves time" he reasons, still trying to save face_

 _"Well in that case, I want to move to your desk" she figures she better shoot her shot while she has the chance_

 _"And why's that?"_

 _"Because it's no secret in a few years you're going back to Gordan, Schmidt and VanDyke" she tells him_

 _"And let me guess, you want to come with me when I do?"_

 _Ou, so close, yet so far, she thinks. Gotta give the guy credit for trying to do her whole 'Donna' thing when he barely knows her though._

 _"No, I don't" she rolls her eyes_

 _"Then why?" he questions_

* * *

 _"It's not sex" she smirks, causing his face to fall before he can regain his composure. Shit. He read that one wrong._

 _"Never mind then" he tries his best to play it off like her words didn't sting, and like he hadn't misread the situation. He was supposed to be an up and coming lawyer after all._

 _"Wow, you're going to be that honest about it"_

 _"Saves time" he admits, suddenly curious why she was spending so much time getting to know him if she wasn't interested in coming home with him._

 _"Well in that case, I want to move to your desk"_

 _Ah, there it was. But why would she want to go work for him? Besides, he thought they had chemistry, maybe she didn't feel it, otherwise she would definitely want more than to just come and work with him._

 _"And why's that?"_

 _"Because it's no secret in a few years you're going back to Gordan, Schmidt and VanDyke"_

 _"And let me guess, you want to come with me when I do?"_

 _"No, I don't"_

 _"Then why?" he questions. This woman has him stumped, just when he thinks he has her all figured out, she throws him another curve ball. It's a good thing he likes baseball (and red heads) or he would have stopped playing long before this point._

 _"Because I'm going to be an actress, and I want somebody who understands that there's more to life then just the DA's office. And that I can give my all to them, but still step out for the occasional audition"_

 _"You're stepping out on me already?" he teases. Unaware that for the next decade, the woman sitting across from him stepping out on him would become one of his biggest fears, one he would spend sleepless night after sleepless night trying to prevent from happening._

 _"Yes, but the important thing is I'm telling you about it in advance" she grins as the waiter brings over a drink from a gentleman seated across the bar._

 _"I don't know who that is, but I'm telling you he is bad news" she comments, and in that moment, he decides she can come work at his desk. What's the worst that can happen? If it doesn't work out, he can fire her and move on with his life._

* * *

He sighs, snapping back from his thoughts and looking at the skyline shining outside his office window. He may have been an idiot back then, who hired her partly because her intuition intrigued him, and partly because he was attracted to her, but at least back then he had the courage to be honest about it. If that version of himself could see him now, drinking alone in his office, afraid to tell her how he really felt, he would laugh in his face and call him a coward.

Looking back on it, he was glad she didn't go home with him that night. That she was sensible enough to stick to her guns and go after what she came for. She hadn't changed. In all the years they'd worked together, she'd always been the sensible one, the one who went after what she wanted for her career, and the one who knew they shouldn't sleep together if they worked together, despite how badly he wanted to. If he had taken her home that night, sure they would have had a great night, maybe even a couple of great nights, but they wouldn't have developed the bond they now share. He valued her friendship dearly. He cared about what she thought, and at the end of the day, Donna was his best friend, and the one person he couldn't live without. If he had taken her home the night they met, they wouldn't have all of this. The late-night drinks in his office, the hand bag excursions, dinner at Del Posto. His name wouldn't be on that wall, because without her, he never would have made name partner, he probably wouldn't have ever left the DA's office. Sure, he wouldn't have lost Mike, Rachel, and Jessica, but he also wouldn't have had the opportunity to get to hire Mike, work with Rachel or get to learn from Jessica. And that thought alone, terrifies him.

* * *

On the opposite side of the wall, Donna finds herself staring out the window, smiling as she replays that night in the bar over and over in her head. She was proud of how far she'd come. When she approached Harvey in the bar that night, her plan involved a temporary position at his desk before she made it big on Broadway, now here she was, the COO of one of Manhattans best law firms. She owed a lot of her success to him. Not in the sense that he handed it to her, but without his encouragement she doubts she would have worked as hard as she did. It was odd, how intertwined their success was. It was as if one without the other simply didn't work. They built off each other, pushed each other to do better.

Sure, she stuck around at the DA's office longer than she had planned to, she liked the job and if she was being honest with herself, she enjoyed Harvey's company. She was undeniably attracted to him, but she would never act on her feelings, not when they could complicate the good thing her and Harvey had going. He learned to embrace her Donna thing rather quickly, and they had been an unstoppable team since then.

Even though she is incredibly grateful she didn't go home with him that night, she wonders what would have happened if she did. She figures they would have had a night, or two, of fun and then go their separate ways. She didn't let herself believe that their connection that night was so strong that they would have gone home together and fell madly in love…

.

.

What if…  
 _He asks her about herself and she can't help but grin at his surprisingly boyish charm. For someone who wanted to be a big shot lawyer, he had a lot to learn._

 _"Ou, my favourite subject" she jokes_

 _"You know what I think, I think your favourite subject didn't come up to me just to find out why I went to trial"_

 _Hm, so she supposes he actually was more than just a pretty face, she did seek him out for a reason, a reason far more important than the flirting she kept finding herself getting swept up in._

 _"You want something" he adds, pupils dilating as she watches his eyes make there way to her chest before return back to meet her gaze._

 _"I sure do"_

 _"I think I might be ready to give it to you" he responds, almost causing her to giggle at the blunt directness of his statement. Well, at least she knew where his head was at, and she had to admit, he was charmingly handsome. If she wasn't here for a reason, she could see herself going home with Harvey Specter. He was incredibly attractive, smart and it turned out he was easy to talk to. What was the harm in letting herself have a little fun, she thinks. After all, she has a job, did she really need to work with him? Screw it, he wanted her to go home with him, and she wanted to go home with him._

 _"Well, what are you waiting for?" she flirts as he motions for the cheque_

 _He follows her out of the restaurant and calls a cab, opening the door for her before climbing in beside her. The conversation is light-hearted and fun on the way back to his place, and they talk about her potential acting career and his interest in baseball. Once inside his apartment he pours her a drink while she looks around._

 _"Wow, nice place" she observes_

 _"Thanks, I decorated it myself" he grins, handing her the glass of scotch_

 _He wanders over to the record player and starts a soft jazz song before joining her on the couch, sitting so close she can feel his heart beating. He places a hand on her thigh and smiles over at her._

 _"So why did you really come up to me tonight?" he asks_

 _"Truthfully? I wanted to work for you" she admits, staring into his deep brown eyes, nearly forgetting the reason she approached him that night_

 _"And now?" he whispers, as he closes his eyes and leans in to kiss her. His lips gently pressing against hers as his hand comes up to cup her cheek. He pulls back slightly, leaving a small gap between their lips._

 _"I'm not so sure" she answers in a whisper, before tugging his collar towards her and slipping her tongue past his. Damn it, he was good._

 _The next morning, she searches his bedroom floor for her dress as he begins to stir._

 _"Leaving so soon?" he calls, catching her in the act_

 _"I have to get to work" she smiles back, finding the dress and slipping it on before walking back towards the bed_

 _"But you can call me" she smirks, placing a gentle kiss on his lips and sliding him a piece of paper with her phone number before making her way out the door._

 _He calls her the next day, and they relive that night they met a dozen times in the next few weeks. As the weeks drone on, they spend the night together less often until finally she meets someone in acting class and tells him she can't do this, whatever this is, anymore. He runs into her a few times in the years to follow, at bars or coffee shops. Just quick hellos are exchanged as both recall that amazing first night they spent together. She nearly forgets the reason she introduced herself to him in the first place until one day she reads about him winning a case for the DA's office in the paper. She'd left the DA's office to pursue an off-off Broadway production of Cats and it looks like Harvey Specter was still working there. Hmm, she supposes she made the right call by not switching to his desk since he didn't seem to have become the lawyer he wanted to be._

 _Mike Ross, who? Harvey Specter, New York's best closer, never heard of him. Pearson Specter Litt, what was that? – wasn't it Pearson Hardman?_

.

.

But, now, after going on 13 years of working side by side, what would happen if they went home together? Would it be like that night they met? Or would everything they'd built in the process make that night worth the wait?

Moving to his desk was the greatest decision she'd made in her adult life. She considered Harvey to be her best friend, even after everything they'd been through. He was the one person she couldn't stand to live without. Granted, that fact had complicated her personal life several times, the most recent being her relationship with Thomas. Harvey was right, Thomas was perfect. He was a gentleman, he had a great career he was passionate about, he always asked about her day and he seemed genuinely interested in the work she did. Yet, she'd seemed to have found his only flaw and couldn't manage to let it go, despite how badly she wanted to. He was no Harvey Specter.

She sighs as she looks out at the city illuminated outside her window. She doesn't regret one thing about that night they met, without it she wouldn't be here, kicking ass at a job she never knew she wanted. She wouldn't have met Mike, or Rachel, who had quickly become incredibly important people in her life. Thank god the Donna of 12 years ago knew better than to go home with Harvey. If she could see the Donna of today, she wonders if she would be disappointed in herself now. Because here she was a decade later, sitting in her office thinking about going home with Harvey Specter.

.

Alone in his office once again, lost in thought Harvey is grateful she decided to switch to his desk all those years ago, giving him the opportunity to get to know her, to fall in love with her.  
A mere 10 feet away, she's also grateful for that day, the day she had the courage to introduce herself to the man that would change her life forever.

 **I hope you guys enjoyed the first flashback (and I hope it was easy enough to follow along with)! xx**


	3. Chapter 3

Sorry this one took a little bit longer to post, school has been crazy busy and I wanted to get it just right! I hope you guys are enjoying the story (because there's a lot to come) and would love to hear your thoughts!

(Also note that a lot of the flashback scenes are not my words, they come from the show and the lovely writers and I don't own any of them)

Enjoy Chapter 3 - The Other Time

* * *

 **Ch 3 - The Other Time**

He's pacing now, 10 steps towards the wall, followed by 10 steps back. Still starring out at the city lights, he racks his brain. He needs to tell her how he feels. He needs to tell her what she means to him. But how? How can he tell her she means everything to him after all this time? He doesn't want her to think his sudden confession has anything to do with her relationship with Thomas. He realizes the timing is poor, but perhaps her relationship with Thomas was the final push he needed. It opened his eyes to the fact that she had taken what he said to heart, she wasn't going to make a move again, instead she was trying her best to move on.

He would have never asked her to chose between him and Thomas, even he didn't think that was fair; yet for some reason, she still choose him. He almost doesn't believe it, a man like Thomas Kessler had a lot to offer, he was practically perfect. Well, perfect except for one thing, according to Donna he wasn't perfect because he wasn't him; where had that come from? He knew he had to tell her, and he had to tell her now before he missed another opportunity.

He finally stops pacing. What if he'd taken the chance to tell her how he felt before? She'd given him so many opportunities, starting with when they worked together at the DA's office….

* * *

She crosses her ankles on her desk, sipping from the drink she poured herself. Why she continued to choose a man who didn't want to be with her, she'll never understand. Thomas was perfect, he was a gentleman, he cared about her and it killed her that she couldn't love him the way she wanted to, the way she knew she should. She'd tried her hardest to make her heart listen to her head, she tried to fall for Thomas, she really did. But in the end, he was no Harvey and she felt she owed it to both Thomas and to herself to be honest. She wasn't sure why, but something was telling her to give Harvey one more shot. He'd grown so much in the past few years, he'd made amends with his mother and was going to therapy regularly, and she hoped that maybe, just maybe he'd become more in touch with his feelings.

And so, she broke things off with Thomas, ready to give Harvey one more chance. Unfortunately, her conversation with Harvey didn't go as planned. She never intended on telling him she broke up with Thomas because he wasn't Harvey. His reaction to her new relationship status wasn't exactly what she hoped for, but then again, she didn't handle to situation very well either. Why did they keep going around in these circles? Why couldn't they ever just be on the same page? Maybe her instinct was wrong, maybe he wasn't ready. After all, she'd given him so many opportunities to tell her how he felt over the years….

* * *

 _"You've had too much coffee"_

 _"What are you talking about?" he raises his eyes to meet hers as he leans over her desk, signing the form in front of him_

 _"After two cups your signature slants, after three scrawls and after four it's chicken scratch. They're not going to accept these" she hums_

 _"You're crazy"_

 _"How many cups have you had today?" she asks forcing an answer out of him with a simple head tilt_

 _"Five. How'd you do that?"_

 _When will he learn that she's Donna and she could do this in her sleep_

 _"It's what I do" she smiles_

 _"I read, I analyze, I fix" as she passes him a new set of forms_

 _"Bullshit" he responses with the typical arrogance he saved specifically for conversations with her_

 _She rolls her eyes and clucks her tongue against the roof of her mouth. They'd been working together for months and sometimes Harvey's cockiness still surprised her. Well, she wasn't about to let him get away with it, at least not today._

 _"You're wearing a blue shirt, which means you won big in poker last night. You missed a spot shaving which means you had less than five hours of sleep, and your left wrist, which you claim that you sprained playing basketball still hasn't healed because your loud tie is hanging ever so slightly to the left. Loud, because you won big in poker last night" she slaps his arm playfully_

* * *

 _"For your information, I didn't just lose sleep because of poker" he tries to protest, her observations still managing to catch him off guard even after months of working together._

 _"Ya, you did. Melanie's not in the picture anymore"_

 _"You knew about Melanie?" he asks, unable to hide his surprise_

 _"And Charlotte, and Nadia" she adds with mock disgust. At least he hopes it's mocking._

 _"I don't want you working for me anymore" he jokes when truth be told Donna coming to work for him was the greatest thing that had ever happened to him. Not only was she an incredible secretary, but they had become fast friends and talking with her was usually the best part of his day. The fact she was easy on the eyes, well that was just a nice bonus._

 _He's about to reply with something flirty when Cameron interrupts, telling him to stop playing footsie with his secretary, which he thinks he was not doing._

* * *

 _Cameron walks away and Harvey turns back to her, doing an annoyingly charming movie impression that she can't help but laugh at. He wanders back towards her, stopping a few feet away as she reaches out and adjusts his tie, something that had become a habit._

 _"So, are you gonna come out and say it?"_

 _"Say what?" she coaxes, still working the tie, letting her left hand linger over his chest a little longer than she needs to. An action she immediately curses herself for, but for some unknown reason, she can't help herself._

 _"All those observations, you're into me" he whispers above her ear_

 _His words catch her off guard, and she pretends to be fixated on his tie while she thinks of a witty response and wills herself not to blush._

 _"I'm not into you, I'm Donna"_

 _It's the best she can come up with, but she knows she's said it so confidently he's bought into it and she's managed to avoid an awkward conversation in which she would be forced to admit she really was into her boss._

 _"What's that supposed to mean"_

 _"It means I can do the same thing with Bertha that I did with you"_

 _"All that means is that you're into Bertha too"_

 _"Oh, what if I am" she teases_

 _"We can have a threesome" he responds all too quickly_

 _"Trust me, if you were ever lucky enough to have me, you wouldn't want to share" she flirts, holding his gaze and watching him gulp as she sashays away. Thank god she had some willpower, because Harvey Specter was the most charming man she'd ever met, and if they didn't work together, she would show him exactly what her words meant._

* * *

 _He fills her glass with scotch and passes it to her, raising his in a toast to their latest success. There was a time when he would have gone out and found a lanky blonde to celebrate with, but lately he considered all his successes as their successes, and he only wanted to celebrate with her, his favourite red head._

 _"Compliments of Cameron Dennis" he toasts, clinking his glass against hers before bringing it to his lips and draining the amber liquid._

 _She does the same but places her glass back down, unable to suppress her grin,_

 _"Harvey, this isn't just winning a case, this is head litigator, scotch isn't good enough we need like a ritual or something…"_

 _"What'd you have in mind?"_

 _"I don't know" she laughs, and he can't help but notice how beautiful her smile is when she laughs. Flying high off his newest victory he figures he's got nothing to lose so he shoots his shot._

 _"I've got an idea"_

* * *

 _"I'm listening" she beams, the devilish grin he's wearing telling her that he's up to no good. She knows that she should put a stop to the flirting before they get carried away, but she's too curious to put an end to it._

 _"It's not something a gentleman should say out loud"_

 _"Oh, well then I'm willing to pretend that you're a gentleman" she smirks, passing him a pen and a pad of paper_

 _She watches as his smile grows towards his ears as he continues to sketch out his proposed ritual. He hands the drawing back to her causing her to laugh while simultaneously becoming aroused._

 _"Okay, you are definitely not a gentleman" she says, studying the drawing once more_

 _"What would we even do it with?" she wonders out loud, both joking and questioning at the same time; it's not like she hadn't thought about what it would be like._

 _"Whip cream" he responds instantly. (He'd also thought about it, many times)_

 _She reminds herself that it is her boss seated across from her and playfully rolls her eyes, crumpling up his sketch, eyeing him as he takes a seat on the edge of her desk. She needed to stay focused and remember that as charming a Harvey was, she couldn't let herself fall for him. He was a flirtatious play boy who was on his way to becoming a lawyer, what did he want with a secretary. She imagined he just enjoyed the chase and she'd be damned if she let herself get hurt._

* * *

 _"Enough about this conversation, I want to revisit our earlier one"_

 _"This is our earlier one" she bats her eyelashes up at him_

 _"Common, you know you've thought about it" he states, leaning in closer. God knows he has. Lately it was one of the only things he thought about. He would wake up in the middle of the night having visions of porcelain skin and red locks. But it wasn't only sex he'd thought about. He often found himself longing to spend more time with her. Their office conversations were great, but he would love to take her for dinner and really get to know her. She had become the first person he wanted to tell good news to, and for the first time since his childhood he felt like he had found someone he would be comfortable opening up to._

 _"Ya I think about a lot of things"_

 _"And, you would" he flirts, eyes refusing to leave hers as her body language is telling him she wants this just as badly as he does_

 _"But I won't"_

 _"You're afraid you'd fall for me" he coos (and boy was he right, she was terrified of falling for him)_

 _"Please. If anyone's falling for anyone it would be you for me" she smiles, finishing the rest of her drink_

 _"Sounds like a challenge" And a challenge he would very much like to take, seeing as he's pretty sure if he let himself, he would fall for her harder than he'd ever fallen for anyone._

 _"One you are never going to get to take" she remarks, as if hearing his thoughts_

 _"Why not?" he raises an eyebrow_

 _"Because I don't get involved with men that I work with" she sighs_

* * *

 _"Because I don't get involved with men that I work with" she sighs, deciding she should share with him the rule she'd created for herself the moment she came to work for him_

 _"Okay then you're fired"_

 _If only it were that simple, she'd pull him in by that loud poker winning tie and only let go when they were desperate for air._

* * *

The afternoon she came into his office and laid out her opinion on what Cameron was making her do, he knew she was something special. And he knows now that it was her words that set him on the straightened arrow, she was the reason he had become he lawyer he had.

Back in his office he smiles softly to himself, thinking back to how confident he was that night at the DA's office. If only he'd channeled some of that confidence during the past decade, maybe they wouldn't be in this situation, getting closer just to push each other apart again. Every time he finally felt like they had something, like they were going somewhere, the carpet was ripped out from under their feet. Maybe, if he'd used some of that cocky confidence his younger self had when he first proposed their whip cream ritual, there wouldn't even be a Thomas for her to choose between.

* * *

 _He rings the bell next to the door, keeping his eyes trained on the brass 206. She opens the door in a pink silk nightgown with a white cardigan draped over top. His eyes are immediately drawn to her chest as she leans against the door and he spits out the words he came to say in an attempt to stay focused._

 _"I decided what kind of attorney I want to be"_

 _"I heard, you quit"_

 _"Did you hear I also turned over the toxicology report?" he adds_

 _"You didn't"_

 _"I thought you were supposed to know everything" he can't help himself from grinning as he runs his tongue along his bottom lip_

 _"How'd you not know this?"_

 _"Well I knew that you were either going to take that promotion or you were going to quit and either way I wasn't sticking around to find out"_

 _"You quit?"_

* * *

 _"Well I knew that you were either going to take that promotion or you were going to quit and either way I wasn't sticking around to find out" she says, letting her eyes roam across his torso. He's sporting her favourite look, a navy suit paired with an unbuttoned shirt. The perfect combination of sexy and professional._

 _"You quit?" he looks confused_

 _"I'm not working at a place headed by a viper" she explains_

 _"Donna I can't get you another job"_

 _"Oh, well that's going to make my decision easier"_

 _"What does that mean?"_

 _"I'm choosing between Brad Gould, Scad Arms and Omelvony Meyers, if I had another one, I don't know what I'd do"_

 _"You know it just occurred to me that you and I don't work together anymore" he flirts, Cheshire cat grin making its appearance once again_

 _"Ya, that didn't just occur to you" she fires back. She knows she's right because the thought had crossed her mind the minute she'd heard he quit. She'd spent months putting her guard up, convincing herself she couldn't fall for Harvey because they worked together, but now that they didn't, she had nothing to lose and she was going for what she wanted. And what she wanted, was Harvey Specter._

 _"Do you know how I know that?" she grins up at him_

 _"Because you knew I'd show up here the second you heard I quit" he answers, leaning forward on the door frame, letting his eyes follow the dip in her dress_

 _"Why do you think I have this in my hand?" she waves a can of whip cream, watching him bite down on the corner of his lip. She knew the whip cream was a gamble but after watching his face light up at the sight of it, she knows she made the right call._

 _"What are we waiting for?"_

 _"For you to figure out that it's time to come inside" she steps back, following him back through the door, shutting it behind him as he takes three quick strides towards her. His hands find their place on her waist and he has her pressed against the door, his lips on hers in an instant. He deepens the kiss, tongue slipping past her bottom lip as her hands tug him closer, trapping her between his body and he door. His hands roam across her body greedily, desperate to touch every inch of her. They stop just below her ass as he scoops her up, allowing her to wrap her legs around him as he kisses down her neck, pressing back against the door with a thud as she feels his hardness against her inner thigh. She mumbles between kisses,_

 _"Bedroom. Now"_

 _They tumble down the hall, discarding layers of clothing as they go, hands hardly leaving one another as they stumble into walls while messily kissing. By the time they reach her bedroom all that's left are his boxers and Donna eagerly removes them before he pulls her down beneath him on the bed._

 _"What about the whip cream?" she smirks_

 _"We'll have time for that too" he winks, kissing down her neck before placing her breast in his mouth._

* * *

That night, the other time, was one that never really left his mind. It was hard to forget eating whip cream off an incredibly attractive women, and over the years it was the only memory of Harvey's that didn't fade. Every moment of that night remained vivid. From the way she kissed him feverishly as he held her up against her door, to the way she moaned his name as he brought her over the edge, when he closed his eyes, he could still see it all so clearly. No women had ever come close to making him feel the way she did that night.

He had no regrets when it came to the other time, but the biggest regret in his life was perhaps what followed. He never should have asked her to come work for him. Granted, if she hadn't, he knows things would be different. He knows that them agreeing to put that night out of their minds was a vital step that led them to have such a strong relationship for the past decade. But on nights like tonight, he can't help but wonder. What if he'd never asked her?

* * *

 _She throws her head back in pure ecstasy as Harvey thrusts deeper, digging her nails into his bare shoulder as he takes them both over the edge. He lies next to her on the bed, running his fingers through her hair as the both calm down from their high._

 _"That was…" she trails off_

 _"It was" he agrees_

 _She props herself on her elbows and grins over at him, "About that whip cream"_

* * *

That night he'd shown up at her apartment she'd decided to let herself go for it, after all they didn't work together anymore, she had nothing to lose. Here she was, fifteen years later, and she could never regret that night. She'd never felt a connection with anyone like the one she felt with Harvey that night, no matter how hard she tried. It was one of the few memories she could still envision like it was yesterday. A mess of sweaty tangled bodies covered in whip cream, the way he whispered her name just above her ear. She couldn't regret that night if she tried.

What she did regret were the events that followed. She knows he wasn't ready, but she also knows she never should have agreed to come work for him. Sure, things would be different now, but maybe different was what they needed. She was so hopeful that day he called and asked to meet her in the diner, and her world came crashing down when she realized why he'd asked her there. It was that moment she decided to put her guard back up and never let herself fall for Harvey again, ya, right – that worked out well, she thinks to herself.

Somewhere over the past decade she'd allowed herself to fall for him again, and she supposed maybe she'd never really recovered after the other time, she'd just pretended she had.

As much as she hates to think it, what if the other time had never happened? She imagines they would have gone their separate ways and the world would have never heard of 'Pearson Specter Litt'. Donna Paulsen would likely be a struggling actress and once again Mike Ross and Rachel Zane wouldn't know each other.

What if it had happened but she hadn't come to the firm with him? If she'd left him without his girl Friday?

She imagines they'd have dated for a few months before things fizzled out. He became preoccupied with his career and she attempted to pursue an acting career.

She supposes that without the other time, they wouldn't be them. They wouldn't be as close as two people can get, they wouldn't understand each other the way that they do. Perhaps, their friendship was worth the heartache a decade prior.

She knows one thing for sure, if a young Harvey and Donna could see them now, fighting about unsaid words and unresolved feelings, they would laugh, because those crazy kids were at least willing to take the risk.

* * *

He's decided he's glad he asked her. He's grateful for their years at the firm. He's also decided that if the years worth of heartache and pain are going to be worth it, he better step up and tell her how he feels. He's been standing at his office door for the better part of 10 minutes, trying to muster up the courage to march into her office and tell her what he should have told her 15 years ago when she sat across from him at that diner. He was in love with her. Always had been. Always would be.

He takes a step in the direction of her office, telling himself it was about time. He was going to make it right. He was going to make all the years of heartache right, he thinks to himself as he makes his way to her office.

 **Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for Ch 4 - Love me How?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Ch 4: Love Me How?**

His heart rate picks up as he spots the lights on in her office down the hall, his pacing picking up as his feet carry him towards her. He has no idea what he's going to say, but he hopes that once he sees her, the words will just come to him. He stops just shy of her office door when he realizes it's empty. Figures, here he was ready to lay it all on the table and she was gone. He slowly wanders into her office and notices her purse and coat absent, indicating she'd most likely gone home for the night. He plops himself down at her desk and shuts off her lamp, leaving him alone in the dark to mull over his thoughts. She left. He was finally willing to try and open-up and talk about his feelings and she left.

 _Donna, Donna please._

The words echo through his mind. He drops his head to his hands thinking back to the last time she left him sitting alone in an office, unable to express just how broken-hearted he truly felt. Deep down he knows this isn't the same as last time, she didn't really leave him, if anything she'd chosen him over Thomas and just gone home for the night. But damn it if it didn't leave him feeling almost as broken as he'd felt last time.

* * *

 _"Listen, I was thinking about what you said, about me pitying you. And I don't. Nothing could be further from the truth. I think you're one of the most amazing women I've ever met, and just because I don't…"_

 _"I'm leaving you Harvey"_

 _Her words slam into him like a freight train. The air catches in his throat and suddenly he feels like he's trapped underwater, fighting to breathe._

 _"What?"_

 _"This isn't working for me anymore."_

 _The rest of the conversation is a blur of white noise until the words "I'm going to work for Louis" bring him back to the conversation. She was leaving him. Just as everyone in his life always did, she was leaving him and there was nothing he could do about it._

 _"Donna, Donna please" he begs. He can't lose her. His only life constant. The women he loved._

 _With tear-filled eyes she whispers, "I love you Harvey" before walking out of his office, and his life._

* * *

 _._

After finishing off her drink she wipes the last tear from her cheek and decides she needs to pull herself together. She'd broken up with Thomas for a reason and there was no use sitting in her office crying over Harvey, she needed to go home, get some rest and gather her thoughts if there was any hope of talking this out with him tomorrow.

Gathering her things, she does her best to slip out of the office unnoticed. Not many people were around at this hour, but her eyes were red-rimmed and puffy from crying and she didn't feel like explaining why. She notices his office light is still on her way to the elevator and contemplates going to his office to hash this out once and for all, but her exhaustion wins, and she turns towards the elevator. She makes her way through the lobby and flags down a cab, telling him her address and leaning her head against the window as the city lights begin to pass by in a blur.

Harvey had never been the most emotionally available person and it should no longer surprise her when he reacts poorly in situations that call on his emotions. God, the last time feelings were involved things got so messy she went to work for Louis…

She closes her eyes thinking back to that day all those years ago, the day their relationship was tilted on its axis and put to the ultimate test. The day she left him to work for Louis and every event that caused her to leave Harvey for the first and only time in over a decade.

* * *

 _"Because she was his secretary, he must have loved her" she throws back at him, he should have seen that coming. After spending the day passively avoiding her, he knew this talk was coming whether he was ready to have it or not._

 _"That's not what I meant" he tries to defend his word choice, but he can tell by the look in her eye she came in to his office looking for a fight and she wasn't going to leave without one._

 _"But it is what you said"_

 _"Okay Donna, what's wrong?" he asks, folding his hands over his desk and ready to take whatever she hits him with._

 _..._

 _"Okay Donna, what's wrong?" He had some nerve asking her that. After walking away last night, seconds after telling her he loved her and then letting her sit alone with her thoughts all day without even a single word._

 _"How about we start with the fact that I have been wondering for the last 10 hours if you're going to acknowledge what happened last night. But you're you, so of course you're not" she tosses her arms up in frustration. For such a successful lawyer Harvey really did have the emotional intelligence of a kumquat and it drove her mad._

 _"I'm not going to acknowledge it because nothing happened last night" he answers._

 _"Why? And don't tell me I know why?" she scolds._

 _"Because it would have been a mistake, and you know it." Did she? She'd been so elated when she thought he finally wanted more she never really stopped to think of what the consequences would have been. Still frustrated, she refuses to let it go and decides to push him for more._

 _"What I know is something happened, and you ran away. But not before you told me you love me" she walks him through the night before._

 _"I did that because I wanted to make you feel better" he exclaims without thinking and immediately regrets his choice of words when he watches her face fall._

 _"What did you just say to me?" she shakes her head, trying to process him words._

 _"That's not what I meant, I didn't s…" panic rises through his chest, shit, that was a real asshole thing to say Specter. Just because you let it slip that you love her, doesn't mean you should make her feel horrible. Maybe just tell her the truth? Do you even know what the truth is in this situation?_

 _"Because you pity me? Yeah, you did" she wags a finger at him and makes her way towards the door._

 _"No, I said it because I love you, and I wanted you to know it" He really was digging his own grave now._

 _"Love me how?" she challenges._

 _"Why does that have to…"_

 _"Love me how?" she demands a second time, a determined look flashing across her face._

 _He locks his jaw and leans back in his chair. Tell her, now is your chance. She's laid it all out for you, all you have to do is tell her. Tell her what you've always wanted to. That you love her, in all the ways she's asking about and more. Tell her about all those times you wished you could lean over her desk and kiss her, all those nights you wished to take her home, the mornings you wish you'd woken up with her in your arms. Woah, where did that come from, I guess now you know how you love her. That way._

 _Shit, she's waiting for you to answer, how long has she been waiting?_

 _"That's what I thought. You either can't answer, or you won't, which is bullshit because obviously, you don't just look at me this way" she gestures down at her body in the tight maroon dress that he secretly adored. He wants to tell her, but he can't bring himself to find the right words. His stomach physically aches at his inability to speak, he wants to tell her, to run to her, take her in his arms and ease the pained look in her eye, yet he can't find the strength to move._

 _"You're capable of looking at me that way, but you don't want to let those worlds collide because you're afraid to risk anything!" she fires at him, tears beginning to form in her eyes._

 _"Because we have everything!" he yells back, his mind and mouth now operating separately, because those are not the words he'd hoped for._

 _"No, Harvey. You have everything!"_

 _..._

 _"No Harvey. You have everything!" she snaps, growing more and more frustrated with his evasive answers. She'd asked point blank how he loved her and he couldn't even look her in the eye, let alone answer the question. She was starting to believe it was always going to be like this with him, he would never be able to open up the way she wanted him to; never be able to love her the way she craved._

 _"So you're saying you want everything?" he asks, finally making the eye contact he was working so desperately to avoid._

 _"I don't know, Harvey, but what I do know is, I don't want your pity" she resigns with a heart-broken sigh, leaving his office before he has a chance to say another word._

* * *

He just sat there, unable to get up out of his chair as he watched her walk away. He just sat and watched her walk out of his life, and he did nothing to stop her, rather he was the one who drove her away. He just had to go and tell her that he loved her, he had to ruin everything they'd spent the past decade building. He can still see the look on her face when he told her he said what he said because he wanted to make her feel better; broken, hurt and disappointed, but could he blame her? After what happened in her apartment the other night, he knew she expected more, deserved more.

* * *

 _"Thank you, Harvey" she leans against the back of couch after filling his wine glass._

 _"You don't need to thank me. You already thanked me"_

 _"No, I thanked you for fixing it, now I'm thanking you for not bringing it up all night" she chuckles with a smile._

 _"I just figured if you wanted it brought up, you'd bring it up, and now you have so…" she watches as he searches for the right words. His demeanor suddenly shifting. She doesn't recall ever seeing him look so vulnerable, so unguarded and it throws her off her usual Donna-ness. She watches as he fidgets with his wine glass and he doesn't meet her gaze when he goes to speak._

 _"I told you I'd never let anything happen to you," he turns towards her and adds in a more confident tone, "And I won't ever, so you don't ever have to feel scared like that again" she nods a subtle nod, telling him she understands, she's never doubted him._

 _Feeling the need to alleviate some of the tension beginning to fill the room she jokes, "I thought you said you didn't do the comfort thing" and is relieved to see him smile._

 _..._

 _"I thought you said you didn't do the comfort thing" she smirks at him and he's grateful she's taken it upon herself to help defuse the seriousness that previously had a hold on the room._

 _"I didn't say I didn't do it, I said I didn't have time because I was so busy saving your ass" he teases, tossing back the contents of his glass to prevent his mind from wandering to the inappropriate thoughts of her ass he feels bubbling close to the surface._

 _"I'm sorry I doubted you" she apologizes._

 _Clenching his jaw and offering the tiniest smile he sighs, "I'm sorry I snapped at you" And he truly was sorry for the way he lost his temper when she came to him and wanted to be comforted. He wanted to be the one to comfort her, but he was terrified he was going to lose her. He wasn't going to let anything take away from the focus he was determined in to throw in to getting her off the hook._

 _He watches as her chest rises and falls as she exhales sharply and decides to tell her why he acted out the way he did._

 _"Anyone else ever loses faith in me, it doesn't matter" he begins, eyes finding solace in hers. Shaking his head slightly he adds, "But with you it's different"_

 _..._

 _"But with you it's different" he's still holding her gaze and her mind is racing. What did it all mean? Him, here, with her? "I should go" he adds, breaking their gaze and moving to gather his jacket._

 _Why was it different with her? She dares to ask._

 _"Why?" she asks before he gets the chance to leave._

 _"You know why" he responds, but did she? Maybe he had finally realized she was more to him than just a secretary, maybe he really did look at her that way. Maybe, he wanted more. She's trying to process all the non-information he was giving her, and instead of asking more questions stares at him with a shocked look on her face, willing him to continue._

 _He tilts his head in the way she adores and answers her unasked question, "You know I love you, Donna" before turning and seeing himself out, leaving her shocked and speechless in the middle of her living room._

 _"You know I love you, Donna" he says the words before he realizes what they mean. Did he love her? Of course he did, he loved her like a sister or a really close friend. Then why did it seem as though his words bore a lot more meaning than when you tell you Aunt you love them during the holidays? No, he couldn't love her that way, he wouldn't. It wasn't worth risking everything they had together. She was the only constant he'd had in his life for as long as he could remember, and he wasn't about to lose her over something like this. He could rein in his feelings if it meant not losing her, he could live the rest of his days in misery for all he cared._

* * *

 _._

Fiddling with the multi-coloured pen on her desk he looks around her office; the office she worked so hard for. What if he could do it over? Would he change what he said to her when he told her he loved her? Or would be find the courage to tell her the truth about how he felt when she challenged him in his office the following day?

* * *

 _"Love me how?" she challenges._

 _"Why does that have to…"_

 _"Love me how?" she demands a second time, a determined look flashing across her face._

 _He locks his jaw and leans back in his chair. Tell her, now is your chance. He was tired of being such a fucking enigma._

 _"That's what I thought. You either can't answer, or you won't, which is bullshit because obviously, you don't just look at me this way"_

 _He cuts her off as he crashes into her, hands cupping her cheeks in an all-consuming kiss. Her body freezes for a moment before melting into his. She kisses him back with everything in her, only parting when they're both desperate for air. He knows it's not the kind of explanation she's looking for, she wants to hash this out with words, but he can't help himself from pulling her back into him for another kiss; a kiss that she reciprocates. They stand there, in his office, lost in each other. It felt so good to kiss her after all those years of wondering what she tasted like, wondering what it would feel like to hold her in his arms again. He wanted to stay trapped in this moment forever, the moment where she was his and all was well and simple._

 _"That's how" he finally whispers, breaking their kiss but keeping his hand on her cheek._

 _His eyes find hers, full of hope, lust and adoration and he knows no matter how terrified he is of losing her, it was worth risking everything for that look in her eye._

 _"I am in love with you, Donna" he adds, gentling stroking her cheek with his thumb._

 _..._

 _"I am in love with you, Donna" the words linger through his office as her heart rate picks up. She'd wanted to here those three words from him for years, and now, he was saying them to her with an earnest look in his eye._

 _"You do?" she whispers back, quivering slightly, relax; she tells herself- this is real and if you're dreaming, please no body pinch me._

 _"I do" he smiles closing the distance between them once again. The passion in their kisses heightens and she mumbles something about taking her home, which he gladly obliges too and leads her towards the elevator._

 _"I love you too" she leans over and whispers as they enter the elevator hand in hand._

 _Everything seems to fall in to place temporarily. But despite their better instincts, neither are ready to be fully emotionally available, and it slowly eats away at the relationship. Harvey knows how he loves her, but sometimes he can't express it and he knows it bothers her. Donna is not much better, she'd wanted this for so long she'd never stopped to consider the impact a personal relationship would have on their working one._

 _It's passionate, hot and heavy until it begins to unravel; beginning when Mike goes to prison, and Donna has to beg Harvey not to turn himself in and ending when she can no longer stand having her position questioned. The relationship fizzles out within the year when they both decide it would be better to go back to being colleagues and friends before they can no longer salvage the friendship._

 _Harvey throws himself into his work, taking on case after case until he's so worn out he's no longer a man she recognizes. Donna goes to work for Louis anyways, no longer being able to work for the man she loved but can't have._

 _When Mike finally gets out of prison Donna never comes back to Harvey's desk and they remain the kind of friends that make small talk over coffee and weather in the elevator. It's heart-breaking in the worst way, both still being terribly in love with the other but not being able to properly express what they feel. In the end, they question what they could have done differently. Perhaps in a different time, under different circumstances, they could have had it all, but for now they were to estranged lovers living in a world of almost._

 _._

* * *

Getting out of the cab, Donna passes the driver a $20 bill and makes her way inside. The elevator ride up to her apartment is silent and she finds herself wondering, what if she'd never left Harvey to go and work for Louis? Or worse, what if she left Harvey to work somewhere else entirely?

* * *

.

 _Staying to work for Harvey after that night was the greatest mistake she'd ever made. The weeks that followed their confrontation in his office were filled with awkward silence and unresolved tension. As time went on, they spent less time together as friends and shifted into a stereotypical boss-secretary routine; she would set his meetings and fetch him coffee and he would work increasingly long hours and drink scotch alone in his office. She often found herself wondering if she should have left him when she had the chance, to save their friendship if nothing else._

 _._

* * *

Looking back on her time working with Louis, she realizes it was probably the best thing she'd ever done in terms of her relationship with Harvey. It tested the bounds of their relationship and sure enough their relationship was strong enough to survive. She had grown so accustomed to putting Harvey before herself and the time apart allowed her to compartmentalize and sort through a lot of her feelings for him. By time she returned to his desk she'd realized two things. First, she was and likely always would be in love with Harvey Specter. Second, she was good at what she did because that's who she was, not who she wanted to be for him, and that realization in its own was worth the world.

Maybe the point of everything they'd been through during the years needed to happen for them to get here. Even if she didn't have a clear picture of what _here_ was yet, she had to hold on to hope that there was a reason for everything. That all the heartbreak and suffering were driven by purpose. Changing into her pajamas and settling into bed with a glass of wine, she chooses to believe that their story isn't over yet. Just as she's about to flip the television on, she hears three swift knocks on the door.

A knock she would recognize anywhere.


	5. Chapter 5

To the lovely friend I met long after I started this story & that I plan on keeping around long after I finish it, Happy Birthday.

* * *

 **Chapter 5: I Think You're Worthy**

She slips out of bed and pads down the hall, wrapping her cardigan around her body as she tries to steady her racing mind. What could he possibly have to say to her after the blowout they'd had? She pauses when she reaches the door and weighs her options; she could leave him standing out there in the hall and refuse to hear what he has to say or should could answer it and see what he wanted. At this point, she wasn't sure she wanted to hear what he had to say.

A second set of knocks snaps her out of her daydream and his voice cuts through the silence filling her apartment, "Common Donna, I know you're home."

She draws in a deep breath and moves to her kitchen table, pulling her knees into her chest with a heavy sigh.

"Please, I need to talk to you" he mumbles from behind the closed door.

"Need?" she musters up the courage to ask.

"Need," he replies, louder and more confident, carrying the sound of his voice through her apartment.

She could easily open the door for him, hear what he had to say and get the inevitable conversation over with, but something wills her to stand her ground for a moment, a combination of paralyzing fear and the glimmer of hope. Hope that maybe he'd come to tell her the words she'd been dying to hear for years, and fear because of what happened last time she sat at her table, knees pulled to her chest while he sat across from her and she begged him not to fall on his sword.

 _._

 _._

 _"So you want to turn yourself in because some cheater called you a bully?" she asks, her hands holding her elevated knee in place as she looks across the table at him. He looks disheveled, sleep deprived and if she's being honest, despite how well he was pulling off his gray suit sans tie, he looked like a total mess._

 _"No, Donna I want to turn myself in because he was right, I'm not unbeatable" he argues, coming to terms with his own words as he speaks them._

 _"No, I think he made you feel guilty and now you're not seeing clearly."_

 _"Donna…" he sighs, turning back towards her and she can see the weary look in his eye._

 _"Harvey, if it were anybody other than Mike on trial and you saw his closing, do you think that the jury would convict him?" she asks, knowing that Mike made a killer closing argument and that the two of them very well make it out of this mess unscathed._

 _"I don't know Donna, but I can't afford to be wrong about this."_

 _"Then let me ask you a question, why aren't you talking to Dr. Agard about this?"_

 _._

 _"Then let me ask you a question, why aren't you talking to Dr. Agard about this?" she asks, and it catches him off guard._

 _"How do you know about her?" he snaps wondering how she could have possibly known about his therapist. He doesn't remember ever mentioning her and despite her annoying ability to know everything, he really thought she was in the dark when it came to him seeing Paula._

 _"Because I do. And I also know that the last time you had a huge decision to make you went to her and not me" she replies and he wonder's if the hurt in her voice has more to do with the matter at hand or him not running to her with his problems._

 _"Because that was about business and this is personal," he reasons, wondering what she could possibly be getting at. He'd only gone to Paula because he needed advice on a business matter, when it came to personal things, Donna was the only one he trusted._

 _"No Harvey, you didn't go to her because you know she won't try and talk you out of this, but I will."_

 _"Donna…"he begins to speak again, his words both a plea for her to drop it and an admission that she was right, he did go to her because he wanted to be talked out of it, he wanted to be talked out of all of it. The day he hired Mike and the million days in between that day and this one. He wanted her to tell him not to do it, not to take a chance on the kid and even worse, not to take the fall for the kid when he was equally at fault for the crime that they were guilty of committing._

 _._

He can hear her on the other side of the door, pacing up and down her hall. He knows her mind is racing, his is too, but he needs her to let him in. He needs to finally tell her what he's kept pent up inside for all those years.

He hated Thomas Kessler. He hated Mark Meadows. Stephen Huntly made his blood boil and that was before he found out he was a murder. He couldn't stand any of them, the men that thought they were good enough for Donna, because none of them were. If he was being totally honest, he didn't think he was worthy of her either, but the words she screamed at him in the lobby pounded in his ears and made him think despite not being good enough for her, he was the only one for her.

 _Because he wasn't you._

 _She loves you…_

Paula's voice taunts him. Did she? Did Donna love him?

After everything they'd been through over the years, was Donna in love with him?

She told him she wanted more once, and for a second, he was hoping he'd meant with him. He can still recall the way his heart was hammering against his chest when the words left her mouth, his suddenly dry, his mind without reason. If she wanted more with him, could he finally tell her about those nights he fell asleep dreaming about her being in his arms, that he wanted the same thing. Before he could stop himself, he found himself asking what she meant, and the notation that she wanted more with him was tossed away before he even had a chance to fully process what it all meant.

 _More._ He'd had time to process it since then, to define what kind of more he wanted with her. And maybe if it hadn't taken him so long to figure it out, to see what was right in front of him, he could've told her he wanted it all, before Kessler showed up and ruined everything.

Leaning his forehead against her door, he patiently waits for her to let him in, knowing from past experience that it was now or never, and he needed it to be now. As he stares at the brass 206 hung on her door, he can't help but be drawn back to the last time he came knocking at her door in the middle of the night, the one night they shared that he wouldn't change a thing about, wouldn't allow himself to create a scenario in his head about what could have happened had something gone differently, because that night they were unguarded. Just Harvey and Donna against the world, the way he hoped it would be from then on if she opened the door.

.

 _"Donna…" he says and she feels something inside of her snap and suddenly the wall she'd spent decades building crashed around her heart, leaving her exposed._

 _"Don't do it. Don't fall on your sword again," she exclaims before she can stop herself._

 _"I have to…"he shakes his head, fiddling with his glass._

 _"No, you don't!"_

 _"We might not win!" he reasons, the break in his voice matching the ongoing one in her heart as the final piece of the wall that helped shape the fine line between friends and something more chipped away and she breaks._

 _"You don't always have to be the hero" she panics, needing desperately for him to believe that he doesn't have to turn himself in while also desperately trying to reassure herself that she isn't about to lose him._

 _"I'm not doing it to be the hero!" he cries as he bursts out of his seat and begins pacing along the length of her table._

 _"Then why the hell are you doing it?!"_

 _._

 _"Then why the hell are you doing it?!" she yells and it suddenly dawns on him that he's doing it because he feels guilty, responsible._

 _"Because it's my god damn fault!" he admits and suddenly it's as though a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. Throughout this entire trial, he felt responsible for what Mike was being put through, but he hadn't been able to tell anyone how he felt because he didn't quite understand it himself. Of course it was Donna who made him come to terms with how he felt, somehow, it always circled back to Donna. The one person he could trust to always be there, to always listen when he needed a friend._

 _"No Harvey, it's not. It's Mike's fault as much as it is yours," she begins to explain._

 _"Then, why should I be the one to throw him under the bus?"_

 _"I'm not asking you to throw him under the bus, I am asking you to believe that the two of you are worthy of being found innocent" he hears her voice crack and the pained expression painted across her face tells him she believes every word she's saying._

 _"What if I can't do that?" he practically whispers._

 _._

 _"What if I can't do that?" he whispers and she suddenly feels a wave of relief flooding her system. She had managed to calm him from his worked up state and hopefully it would keep him from making any rash decisions._

 _"Then you can march yourself down to Gibb's office in the morning and turn yourself in, but I don't want you to do that…" she admits, drawing in a breath with her final words._

 _"Why not?" she watches as he peers up at her finally, his voice quivering._

 _"Because I think you're worthy, and I don't want to lose you" she admits to both him and herself in one go._

 _._

Pulling her arms against her chest, a small smile trickles onto her face as she recalls how that night ended and looking back on it, she wouldn't have changed a thing about that evening. Harvey had come to her completely unguarded and showed her a side of him she rarely saw, a side that she knew she wanted to get to know better someday.

She liked Thomas; she really did. He was a good man who was nothing but a gentleman but she'd meant what she said earlier, he wasn't perfect because he wasn't Harvey. Despite whatever stunt of the week Harvey was pulling that made her want to pull her hair out and scream at him for driving her crazy, she knew that he had her heart. Deep down, she'd known for a while, it was only when things started to get serious with Thomas that she realized she was losing her chance to do something about it.

Drawing in a deep breath, she reaches for the door handle, knowing that once she opened it, nothing would ever be the same again. And maybe that was okay. Maybe, for the first time in a long time that was what she wanted, change.

 _"Harvey, got to the courthouse in the morning and sit with Mike until the verdict comes in and show him that you have faith in him, like I have faith in you."_

She almost lost him that night, the thought causing her stomach to churn as visions of the broken look on his face fill her mind. As terrified as she was of what was to come, she was certain of one thing, she couldn't lose him for good, not like she almost had then, not when she had the chance to do something about it.

That night that Harvey came to her fueled her nightmares for months after Mike went to prison. She often tossed and turned and wondered how her life would have changed had it been Harvey, had she let him turn himself in without telling him how she felt about him, without admitting to herself how she felt about him. They were young and she was afraid, afraid of the magnitude of what she felt towards her then boss, afraid her feelings were unrequited. But she wasn't young anymore, and they weren't those same foolish kids who believed that their feelings could be buried and avoided.

What began as a nightmare soon turned into one of her favourite memories of him. The night he showed up at her apartment with his guard down, ready to talk about the way he felt. Sure, he was talking about his feelings regarding the Mike case, but for the first time in nearly a decade she got to see the real Harvey Specter. The Harvey Specter that was vulnerable and afraid and there was something so pure and honest about that evening that she never forgot it and she never wished it had gone any different.

.

He came to her that night, ready to embrace one of his greatest fears and now here he was standing outside her door ready to do the same thing once again, only this time his greatest fear wasn't losing her because he'd be going away, it was losing her because he'd waited too long, and he wasn't sure which was worse.

His heart lurches when he sees her shadow lingering on the other side of the door, and he knows exactly what she's doing. Donna may be an expert when it came to reading people but he was an expert on all things Donna and right now she was weighing her options; she could let him in and hear him out, or she could leave the door closed, closing the door on any chance they had to make things work.

He knocks gently one more time and hears her breath hitch when he speaks, his words a mixture of a desperate and hopeful plea.

"Donna, Donna please" he mutters, his forehead resting against the door.

Next thing he knows the door flings open and he is stumbling forwards into the entrance of her apartment as she takes a step back in shock. Once he regains his composure, he takes a step back and lingers in the threshold of the apartment, waiting for her to say something, anything that will ease his racing mind and calm his quick-tempered pulse.

"Harvey, it's practically the middle of the night. What are you doing here?" she finally says, her voice dripping with annoyance.

She's standing in front of him, her red curls framing her face, the freckles painted across her nose dimly lit in the pale hall lighting, her arms folded across her chest, but all he sees is a slightly younger Donna in a cream coloured sweater, flinging the door open with a slight roll of her eyes and asking him what he's doing there.

.

 _"Harvey, it's the middle of the night what are you doing here?"_

 _"I had to see you. I know you said I couldn't do this anymore, but I had to talk to you" he sighs with a slight shake of his head._

 _"Talk about what?"_

 _._

He knows this isn't then, and he knows a lot has happened since that night, but he can't help himself from seeing his secretary standing in front of him. He can't help but see yet another night he let her slip away. Another night he wanted to be able to call her his but couldn't because he was afraid. And although he has nothing but fond memories of that night; the openness, the honesty they shared, he knows everything would have been different if he would have told her then what he knew now. She wouldn't have had to beg him to stay because he never would have considered leaving her. Even though she wasn't his to leave back then, the thought of leaving her is what prevented himself from taking the fall for Mike, because he couldn't stand the thought of leaving Donna.

"Harvey? Why are you here?" she interrupts his thought and suddenly the Donna standing before him is older and he's reminded of all the time he'd lost, all the time they'd lost.

"I-" he begins but the speech he'd practiced on the way to her apartment suddenly seems cliché and he's at a loss for words.

"Typical. You can't say it" she huffs, moving to grab the door before his hand reaches out and grabs her wrist, stopping her.

"You said I'm not him. And you're right I'm not." He begins, still keeping a gentle hold on her wrist with one hand while his eyes seek hers.

"Look Donna, I've been thinking. About you and me and us and everything that we've been through in the past few years and… I'm sorry" he sighs, releasing her hand and stepping back slightly.

"You're sorry?" she practically whispers, finally looking up and meeting his gaze.

"I was going to come over here and tell you that I'm sorry I didn't tell you that you being with Thomas bothered me but that's a lie because what I'm really sorry for is that there ever was a you and Thomas in the first place. I should have told you… I had so many chances to tell you and I blew it. I don't blame you for moving on, for trying to be happy because hell, I want you to be happy and I guess I just always hoped that you could be happy with me. That if I told you that maybe we could…"

"Told me _what_ , Harvey?" she asks, her voice shaking as she uses the door to steady herself.

"How I feel about you" he replies, taking a step in her direction and allowing his hands to run along her arms until they find their place intertwined with her fingers, an action she doesn't resist. She tries to avoid meeting his stare, knowing that she was a goner once she fell into his big brown eyes and she was trying to do her best to hide her emotions until he'd said his piece and she could be sure he wasn't going to run.

"We've been down this road before Harvey and I-"

"I love you" he cuts her off, the confidence in his voice causing her heart to race and her knees to go weak.

"Let me guess, but that doesn't mean…"

"It means everything. I'm in love with you, Donna. And I'm pretty sure you're in love with me too" he adds, closing the distance between them and using one hand to tuck a strand of her behind her ear before lifting her chin with his thumb so her tear-filled eyes finally settle on his.

"How do I know you aren't just panicking about losing me to another man?" she whispers, a tear rolling down her cheek.

"Because you aren't with him anymore and I'm still here. And because when he asked you to chose, you chose me so now I'm standing here choosing you. And I'll continue to choose you until I'm old and gray because I meant it when I said, I love you Donna, and I'm sorry it took me so long to tell you, but I'm here now."

"You know, Thomas was a great man. He was smart and funny, and he treated me well and I hate that I couldn't love him. As hard as I tried, I couldn't love him because for some reason I'm in love with you too" she admits and the smile that appears on his face tells her he's relieved she feels the same way.

"What are we waiting for?" he smirks and she's taken back a decade to this very spot when her heart was pounding in her chest as she waited for him to make a move. As a smirk slowly creeps across her face she realizes that nothings changed, her heart is still pounding and she's still waiting for him to make a move, only now she's standing next to a man she's shared an entire life with, not someone she'd just met months prior.

She closes the distance between them by crashing her lips into his, her arms encircling his neck as he closes the door with a quick flick of his wrist before scooping her up and carrying her backwards down the hall, only stopping to place her on the hall table. Their kisses transition from sloppy and desperate to slow and filled with a pent up longing and before long she's leading him towards the bedroom, eager to revisit the other time. She knows they still have a lot to talk about, but right now in this moment all that matters to her is the way kissing Harvey makes her feel alive.

* * *

AN: There's one more chapter of this and for those of you that have stuck around, thank you from the bottom of my heart. This was the second story I ever wrote and well 816 sort've crushed my outline and it's been a struggle to find the voice of this story, but I haven't forgotten about it and there is a final chapter coming!


End file.
